As Eric and Shelly talk in my therapy office, I notice that their marital problems are not severe – no affairs or addictions or abuse. However, they note growing distant in the past few years. Based on my training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT), I ask about what happens when they argue. They report a pattern of repetitive conflicts that never seem to resolve their issues.
Typically, Shelly reminds Eric about a chore he has forgotten or asks him to stop playing video games and help put the children to bed. Eric gets angry and defensive. If she continues to pressure him, he dredges up one of Shelly’s past failures. They bicker for a bit, then Eric might storm off to the basement for a few hours. He then sullenly “freezes her out” for a few days. Eventually, things return to “normal”, although the original issue rarely gets resolved, causing Shelly’s resentment to build and Eric to feel he is constantly being nagged and corrected.
Next, I ask who is most likely to apologize or compromise, although I can already make a pretty good guess. This question assesses which partner has more of a tendency to externalize shame by blame-shifting to others, a sign of shame sensitivity or intolerance.
The Impact of Shame on Relationships
Research indicates that shame is a major trans-diagnostic component in mood disorders, personality disorders, proneness to aggression, and behavioral problems. [1-5]
Fears of unworthiness and social exclusion are so primal and powerful that feelings of shame can provoke states of fear (“freeze-fight-flight-fold”). For those who are shame sensitive, even being asked to help put the children to bed may feel deeply invalidating and can trigger over-reactions such as defensive anger.
Shame intolerance is common but often overlooked by clinicians because it is rarely addressed in training programs and clinical literature. Those who work with couples should be especially attuned to the impact of shame intolerance on relationships. Poorly tolerated shame is a major source of difficulty in relationships because it can lead to a pattern of escalated conflict and even abusive behaviors.
People respond to feelings of shame with three easily identified behavioral responses:
- Other-blaming
- Self-blaming
- Blame-avoiding
The simple way to assess for these strategies is to consider this question:
How does the person handle criticism? Are they hypersensitive, perhaps misperceiving neutral comments or constructive feedback as harsh attacks?
When criticized and held accountable for a behavior, what does the person do?
- blame or attack others (other-blaming)
- blame or attack the self (self-blaming), or
- preemptively try to avoid blame (blame-avoiding)
These shame-related behaviors will almost certainly show up in couples therapy, giving the therapist a doorway into gently and carefully exploring feelings of unworthiness and how they may trigger reactive anger or avoidant withdrawal.
EFCT provides an excellent paradigm for understanding primary emotions, such as shame, and related attachment fears of rejection and unworthiness. In successful relationship therapy, we help partners understand their insecure attachment patterns, have a more realistic perception of their partner’s criticism and “rejection”, and become less fearful and reactive to shame.
Causes of Shame Intolerance
Low self-worth is the root cause of all three shame management behaviors, often due to emotionally non-warm, abusive, or neglectful parenting that led to insecure attachment patterns in adulthood. Researchers believe that rejection sensitivity stems from early attachment relationships and parental rejection [6]. “To lay down (non-warm) feeling memories of being undesirable or only an object for the other creates considerable (implicit) uncertainty as to the ability to form (subsequent) safe relationships based on liking/being liked”[6, p. 31].
When a child feels unwanted by caregivers she does not learn to accept warmth and love from others and when older may fail to develop the ability to be warm and loving toward herself. In fact, research has linked insecure attachment patterns to lower measures of self-compassion [7] and fear of compassion from others [8].
Other-blamers may have learned to be hurtful toward others through experiencing or witnessing abuse. When in distress, people often lash out when cornered, especially if they have a model of relationships that may not include safety, comfort, or love. Being raised in an environment of trauma increases reliance on survival or threat responses and decreases access to compassionate responses, making a person less inclined to aid others or even be aware of the needs of others.
Shame management strategies are a temporary tactic to help a person manage feelings of inadequacy intra-personally but are harmful to their interpersonal relationships.
Be on the Lookout for Other-Blamers
It is essential that couples therapists assess for Other-blaming behaviors, such as Eric’s excuses, defensive anger, and avoidance of accountability. These behaviors are detrimental to primary relationships, which depend on reciprocity and altruism to build trust and safety. Other-blamers tend to shift the blame relentlessly to their partner, using lies, dominance, gaslighting, and even verbal or physical abuse to protect themselves from what they perceive as intolerable shame and fear.
Other-blamers often partner up with Self-blamers because this serves their emotional needs and may replicate relationship patterns from both of their families of origin. However, by piling on criticism, Other-blamers often exacerbate the behavior of Self-blamers, causing the Self-blamer to internalize blame unjustly. The Self-blamer may become even more passive, guilt-ridden, self-doubting, and self-critical. We regularly see victims of Other-blamers in individual therapy struggling with anxiety and depression. I often say we should not be diagnosing those who come into therapy, but those who cause them to come to therapy — many times narcissistic and abusive Other-blamers.
For Other-blamers, it is their emotional struggle to protect their fragile self-image from shame that makes them lack consideration for others. An Other-blamer views compromise or accountability as mortifying — a truly death-like experience, as this word implies — and this viewpoint will certainly limit the other-blamer’s ability to give way in an argument or admit they were wrong.
A fear of shame can prompt a common cognitive shortcut called “all-or-nothing thinking” regarding the relationship. One woman described her husband’s thinking this way: “When we had an argument, it was like he felt I couldn’t disagree with him and care about him, too.”
In those with lower levels of Other-blaming tendencies, these emotional and cognitive patterns may merely lead to a bit of arguing or distancing in the relationship. For extreme Other-blamers, elevated reactivity can lead to shame-driven rage and violence.
Even in mild cases, with their combativeness and accusations, Other-blamers make their partners feel emotionally unsafe and pull away. Some couples may give up their original argumentative pattern and devolve into mutually avoidant behaviors, like stonewalling, shutting down, and withdrawing from arguments. Because of these avoidant behaviors, issues rarely get resolved in a healthy or timely manner. They have learned that conflict does not solve anything and seems to make things worse, so they begin to avoid confronting their issues altogether.
Shame is Designed to Heal, but can Harm
Learning more about the power of shame is helpful for all clinicians, but especially in the context of doing relationship work.
Shame is a pro-social emotion that is installed by evolution to help us stay in relationships. Ideally, in childhood, we learn that when we feel guilt or shame we acknowledge our offense or misbehavior. When well-tolerated, feelings of guilt and embarrassment allow us to adjust our behavior and repair relationships through contrition and reconciliation. In this way, shame is designed to strengthen our connections with others.
It is not just through apology that shame heals relationships. By acknowledging our faults and imperfections and owning them, we show up as authentic in our relationships. Our partner may then lower their barriers to connection and acknowledge their fears and vulnerabilities as well.
Even those with mild Other-blaming tendencies may fear intimacy, because with it may come honest criticism and the need for accountability, which can feel threatening to their tender psyches.
However, all three blame-shifting behaviors are learned tactics to hide presumed flaws. This self-protective barrier may feel safe, but it blocks emotional intimacy and guarantees distance and disconnection in a relationship.
Identifying shame management strategies in couples can help address how unhealthy reactions to shame tend to escalate conflict. I spend quite a bit of time in early couples therapy sessions educating about the Blame-shifting Strategies and how they harm relationships.
When working with shame-based behaviors and feelings of unworthiness it is essential to first build a good therapeutic alliance. Strive for a non-blaming approach and remain neutral. Adopt a mindset that the couple’s interactions have good intentions and are driven by the need to protect their individual emotional safety, but cause unintended harm to the relationship. I keep a saying framed on my desk to remind me of this: “Those who need the most love often show it in the most unlovable ways.”
EFCT concepts remind us that when partners can see the impact of their own behavior on their partner’s attachment fears and needs, they can often find the empathy to change their hurtful behaviors.
